well, here i am in kenya.

There is a voice in my head which says that this is a test of my faith – whether I can hold on to my faith in the midst of such suffering and confusion and helplessness. I hate this voice. I don’t believe it is right at all, but that’s not why I hate it – I hate it because when I hear it, I am struck by the overwhelming sense that this is a test that I am failing.

Lent is coming. Part of me wants to put on sackcloth and repent, repent to God and the heavens and just see if it will all stop.* No, that’s not where I think peace will come from; no, I don’t think that God is punishing Kenya for turning from the Path of Righteousness. But oh, we have a long, long way to go yet towards peace and we seem to be driving ourselves further away each day. I watch the 9pm news, and realize that things were worse today than yesterday, that more people have died, that more people are homeless, that hatred is further entrenched and the negotiations are nowhere closer to concrete answers. I turn off the tv and sit in my apartment and listen to the sirens outside and what I want is to make a deal. I want to make a deal with God, with the Universe, with whoever will listen to me. I want an entity that will take whatever small allegiance I can claim, whatever pathetic promises I can offer, weigh these, and agree in return to call the whole thing off.

This is not my faith. I don’t believe that we are ruled by a God who makes such deals – I don’t want my life to be ruled by a God willing to make such deals.

But oh I want to make a deal. I am tired, and I have shelter and enough food. I am lonely, and I have friends here and I don’t have to worry about anyone hating me for my ethnicity. I am close to desperate, and I know this is bad because this is going to go on a lot longer and there is a good chance it is going to get much worse.

Well, it’s past my bedtime. I want to keep listening to Edgar Meyer play Bach cello suites on the double bass until everything gets better. But instead I’m going to brush my teeth and go to sleep and most likely I will wake up tomorrow morning in Nairobi, Kenya, which is still a place worth praying for and working in, a place that is still under God’s love and care.

*Actually, the Nairobi high fashion community has been creating and marketing sackcloth clothing the past few weeks. There was a piece on the news about it, and they showed how you can pair sackcloth tops and tunics with bright beads.

# posted by debbyscott @ 9:24 AM